10/02/2007: "Love Bears All Things"
'My heart stood still while he spoke to me, but when I opened the door, my darling had disappeared. I searched and shouted, but I could not find him-- there was no answer. Then I was found by the guards patrolling the town and guarding the wall. They beat me up and stripped off my robe.
Young women of Jerusalem, if you find the one I love, please say to him, "She is weak with desire." '
- Song of Solomon 5:6-8.
In May, I had met my husband, Michael-- a walking blond haired, blue eyed dream while attending a cousin's birthday party. He happened to be one of my other cousin's best friend and tagged along after giving my cousin a ride there. He was perfect to me, everything I had desired in a partner. He was kind to children and I could tell he was strong; I was attracted to him since the first day I had seen him handing out icee cones to the children in the park. At the time, I was still dating my ex-boyfriend but we seemed more interested in having arguments and giving each other the cold shoulder rather than just being ourselves. I was miserable but dedicated in trying to make it work. What if he was right that I was the one who was causing all the trouble? What if I was the one tearing apart the relationship? I was confused, angry, scared, and filled with tension that he might cut me off like a diseased limb. Was this love? It must be, I thought at the time, because I'm afraid of losing him.
Later in May, when what I feared had happened, I shut down. I had seen the breakup coming-- the exact conversation, the cries of surprise and regret, and yet I was still not prepared to face it. Mentally and emotionally exhausted, I eventually even wore myself down physically to match my haggard insides. I felt old and weary, ugly and unwanted, alone and accepting of my so-called destiny to live a life of a spinster. I couldn't think clearly or string together thoughts that existed outside of hatred for self and extreme loathing for anyone who threatened to poke into my bleary bubble. Many months consisted of phone calls in which I'd visit memory lane with the ex and talk about the mundane things in life that didn't matter to anyone anymore. Or at least, anyone but me.
Addiction and abuse of pain killers coupled with loss of appetite and sleep deprivation, I wandered around my California residence like a ghostly shadow of my former self. One day, I was talking to my sister in my aunt's room about the computer and just toppled over, falling on a dresser and making a three inch gash on my forehead while at it. I could barely walk or eat without feeling faint. I was scared; this was happening more in frequency. I got down on my knees one night and prayed to God that He'd save me from myself, from my hatred of who I let myself become. It was time I finally got my life back on track.
One day, I noticed that Michael came to the house every Saturday. Why? I'm not too sure but usually I'd be on my best wallflower behavior, shrinking into the background or facing the wall and feigning disinterest in everything. There was something about his once a week visits that made me feel real again. As if there was sunshine to be found in every dark corner within my core. There were times I'd try to walk by and act cool and end up almost tripping over two left feet. It was embarrassing to say the least, to rediscover my natural gift of looking awkward at all the wrong moments. I found myself liking more and more of his personality each time I saw him. It was unreal and it was scary. I was still trying to recover from what I thought was love. I knew that I didn't want to end up hurting myself again.
I had called a friend and emptied out my heart's content to her; what would I do? Create a machine that would tell me who likes me so I'd know I wouldn't be turned down? Too good to be true unfortunately. While on the phone with my friend, I saw a shooting star. So rather than invent a cupid machine, I did the next best thing I could think of and said a prayer. 'Please Lord, let him fall in love with me. I will take care of him and be good to him if You allow this to happen. In Your Precious Name, Amen.'
I had told my friend I made a wish. She paused for a moment; knowing me so well, she joked, "He's not going to fall in love with you!" And we laughed, my insecurities crumbling away from me like dried clay that finally broke apart. I was moving again; I was living life and I was starting to love myself again.
' "While in bed at night, I reached for the one I love with heart and soul. I looked for him, but he wasn't there. So I searched through the town for the one I love. I looked on every street, but he wasn't there. I even asked the guards patrolling the town, "Have you seen the one I love so much?"
Right after that, I found him. I held him and would not let go until I had taken him to the home of my mother.
Young women of Jerusalem, promise me by the power of deer and gazelles, never to awaken love before it is ready.'
- Song of Solomon 3:5.
Later that week, a wallflower burst into bloom. Michael had inquired about me from my cousin. We were dating three days later after the prayer prompted by a falling star. It's so strange how God arranges people's lives. This is one of many miracles and prayers answered by God in my life. The first year of marriage was hard on my husband and I but we've stuck it through like troopers and look forward to our golden years together. It's weird how sometimes I start a sentence and he finishes it or how we'll be exactly on the same wavelength of thought. He compliments myself-- what he lacks, I can do, what I lack, he demonstrates perfectly.
The moral of this story is that keep an open and clean heart, listen to God and trust in Him to do right by You. Do not force love but let it be a force to guide you through your tougher times in life; let it lead you to a stronger and more better you.
In the Name of Jesus,
Amen.