01/09/2008: "Spousal Abuse"

There are many women out there who find themselves in the wrong situation at the worst possible time. But unlike something that comes and goes, like a break up, a bad date, or even something horrible like being raped, there is something that doesn't just go away. You can't run from it, hide from it, and most often, there is no good advice to give someone in this situation. The case in question would be in an abusive marriage. Where your spouse either beats you, talks down to you, sexually controls you, or controls you with fear and ultimatums.

I have been in multiple situations above so I can speak to the women reading and say I understand what your thoughts or feelings are on this subject. Being raped is something like your soul being stolen, or your body being used for nothing more but the delight of someone else. It is the most power driven assault that men attempt on women, and it leaves a women destroyed and defeated. But even worse than rape is a spouse who not only abuses you in one of many fashions, but someone who doesn't leave when they are done breaking you down. They stay, you are married to them, and for many women reading this, you think you have nowhere to go. But that isn't the truth. The reason why you don't go anywhere is because you're either co-dependent with them, like a mother with a troubled and abusive child, or you don't have enough self-esteem or respect to get up and leave.

It's so hard to empower someone who believes themselves to be so weak, so I can completely understand if my words fall on deaf ears, or if they fall to nothingness or hopeless women who are about to lay down and cry themselves asleep again tonight. I have so much empathy and tears for you, and my empathy and pain for you is futile because so many won't help themselves and worse, let their children grow up in an abusive environment, which in turn has a high chance of making the kids turn to abuse on there spouses as well.

So how can I possibly get you out of those home's of horror? How will you know when it is time to work on it or when it is time to leave? Well if it's a first or second occurrence, maybe even third you can start talking to family and to your spouse when they are calm. Consider counseling and possible medication if they have violent outbursts that possibly could harm you, or if you have children, them as well. If you are past these stages and the abuse and violence is beyond question to the point where you are abusing substances, missing teeth, have bruises over your body, or as treated but nothing as a sex object, it's time to leave.

I've found in leaving an abusive spouse the best people to count on are family. Not my former spouses family, but my family. Family has an interesting way of always forgiving you for the past and humans have a natural ingrained trait of wanting to help each other, especially in times of distress. If it's getting too hard or got to the point where there is no return, you need to think of your own health and your children, before any rules of marriage or religion scare you into staying.

As I leave you here tonight, remember everyone deserves a second chance and good for you if you played the power card and left first. But give them a second chance, they deserve one as you would if you had done something equally and horribly wrong in your marriage. If you don't give them a second chance, don't expect to get one from someone else either. If you are physically abused or your children are abused in anyway you need to leave for your own well being and for theirs regardless of your own feelings of love or passion.

A marriage should be one of equality, you are not a slave, nor are you one to be pampered at the expense of your husband. Honor him, but make sure he honors you. After all, that was what the point was in taking the marriage vows in the first place.