01/18/2008: "Oblivion"

Lately all I seem to reach is some sort of emptiness of emotion. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I also don't seem to care too much. I don't wish this feeling of nothingness on anyone, but it isn't as bad as it seems I guess. Without going too in depth I just feel ok with everything, whether it be bad or good to me, I don't really have a preference. Obviously I suppose I would like good, but it seems I've now been cultured to the point of just accepting life as it is.

Of course it won't be easy all the time, will sometimes be hard, and sometimes fun and pure hell. But that is what life is. People live, die, grow, learn, make more life, prosper, and become destitute. In my feelings of oblivion I strangely find some peace that I have not felt before. It's not suicidal or complete apathy, but it is a step in the direction of acceptance, perhaps a large step or I might even have went too far. But I feel decent. I feel relaxed and even though everything is going wrong in my life, I feel hey, that's alright, there is always tomorrow.

If tomorrow never comes, so be it. If I lose my job, my home, my love, so be it, what can I do? I am just a man. I have no control over anything, so what's the point of expending energy to fight off impossible and uncontrollable events?

It isn't to say that you shouldn't work hard in life and chase after things you want, however at the same time, there needs to be a level of relaxation and peace to your soul. You need to get to the point where you can say, I really want this, but if it doesn't happen, Praise God just the same. It's most people's inability to accept failure and defeat that makes life hard. It isn't that any of you or I are bad, or weak for losing something, we just didn't win is the short story. So you either keep playing the game, or you give yourself no chance ever of success.

Without this becoming an "I have a dream" speech. I just ask that you try for the things you want in life, and if you want nothing, fine. You be who you are, have no motivation and enjoy your life alone if that is your desire. No one should judge you for that, and if you find pleasure in a sweet oblivion of emotion, than who is to say you are wrong? On the other end of the spectrum if you truly treasure something and want it badly, go get it. Do everything you can, there is no point to just lay down and give up when you can fight and you could win. I said could, not would, but still, give it everything you have and maybe the consolation prize if you don't win it all might not be that bad.

The only thing wrong with feeling oblivious is wanting everything that you aren't feeling.